The Power of Vulnerability
Created on 08/01/2008
Hello,
I am glad to see that this blog is helpful for you, thank you again for all the feedback.
I seem to have created quite a commotion when I wrote in the "Being Magical" post that "after years of extreme experiences and searching, I have found nothing. No concepts, no recipes, no solutions, no mysteries solved. I have arrived at this point in my life with more confusion, bewilderment, and amazement for life and its riddles than I ever had before." Some friends who know me and people who don't know me at all reacted to that statement with different degrees of discomfort, tension, and feeling concerned and even sorry for me. It seems that my admittance of actually liking it was perceived by some as a weak defense against my sense of being lost. By some.
I made that statement intentionally at the very beginning of your journey with me. Everything I say in these pages is my truth as I know it now. I will share personal information with you, more so as time goes on, but I will always keep in mind that the goal of this is to translate my personal experience into a shared space so anyone can have access to the lessons I have learned and can use them for her/his benefit.
And today, after making a circle with previous posts, I come back to my statement in "Being Magical" and I want to talk to you about the power of vulnerability.
People in general, particularly in our modern culture, are conditioned to feel good when they appear strong, confident, powerful and so on. The same way as they are conditioned to feel bad when they appear the opposite - weak, in doubt, confused, vulnerable, etc. The source of the bad feeling relates to what we talked about in previous posts - the inner space, what we choose to identify ourselves with in it and ultimately, the same question: "Who is the Master of the House?"
The source of bad feelings is, in fact, an incorrect self-identification because we identify ourselves with what we feel at that moment. When we feel that we appear vulnerable, it usually pushes us into one of those small rooms in the basement of our inner house where it is difficult to breathe, where we are not safe and somebody important may disapprove and even dislike us. The kid who is afraid to upset an authority figure. And if that "somebody important" (usually a parent or a grandparent), is sufficiently screwed up her/himself, then chances are they've already inflicted enough fear and bad memories in our lives that at this time they live officially as "spirits of trauma" in our memory basements and not so much as real people striving to go through their own lives. We identify with that kid and the spirit of trauma takes over and feeds itself with our bad feeling once again. So, of course we would strive to appear strong and confident and all of those nice things to avoid feeling bad again.
It doesn't have to be this way.
Forgive me that most of my examples are about criminal patients lately, but that's the reality of my job at this time and I learn from it tremendously.
Here is another example for you: When I walk into a room full of predators, many of them having committed unthinkable crimes, and tell them "gentlemen, it's okay to feel vulnerable," and they read my every move with precision unknown to the general public, so any false trace in my behavior will be exposed to them immediately, and they see and feel that I truly am okay with showing my fears, doubts, and vulnerabilities. Yet, I remain in full control of the situation and still have the inner authority they have to accept, and that is when the miracle starts happening. As they mirror me and perceive that it really is okay to feel vulnerable, their life-long internal walls begin to come down and I see these adults changing in front of my eyes, when they let go of their fears and start talking, sometimes crying, realizing for the first time the freedom from the pressure to stay tough, and tasting the new power of being themselves. It is therapeutic.
When we allow ourselves to feel our emotions completely and express them openly, being aware of them in the moment and letting them flow freely and fearlessly, but without becoming our feelings, then we are the Master of the House. And from that point we can truly master any communications, resolve problems, deal efficiently with the utmost stress, because we are on a different level of internal power.
Traditionally, the trickster knows this distance well. It is not the same as playing a game or wearing a mask, it is a different structure of self-organization which allows the trickster to master and influence reality with much more impact and flexibility. The trickster is not her/his feelings, not her/his behaviors, it is a position of the one who shifts the mirrors.
I choose to talk about vulnerability, but exactly the same applies to any type of feelings. Vulnerability is the easiest one to look at. When it comes to depression, or pain from loss of loved ones, or fear of dying, the stakes are different and it is sometimes almost impossible to cut the awareness from the pain. Almost, but not completely. Because at the crossroads of trauma, if the pain is not removed from identity, the pain becomes the self; the spirit of trauma overtakes the person and the hero turns into a villain. When it happens on a collective level, the aggression, the wars it brings escalate and revenge sometimes becomes the identity of a large group of people, sometimes of an entire nation.
Yet, any aggression I have seen is just another side of fear, just another reflection from the same mirror, the illusion of power, really. Because true power is in the ability to show fear, vulnerability, shame, confusion and not to be determined by those feelings, but to be aware of them and to master them.
I would assume that in modern culture the challenge to experience this kind of power is greater for men than for women because the pressure to be "tough" is culturally applied to men more than to women. At least in some subcultures. I'd like to know what you think about it.
So trust me and try it and see what happens. Like everything else, it takes practice to master and at first it is more uncomfortable to let your vulnerability show. But with each instance when you are able to let your uncomfortable feelings be and still remember that they are not all that you are, you will feel more and more strength and eventually even joy from the realization that it's okay to be vulnerable. It is just an experience.
Comments
Hi Olga,
What you are saying feels right to me. It has taken me a life time of work to accept my feelings of vulnerability. It is still an incomplete acceptance. Out of that has come a lot of personal strength. So I am very clear that being authentically vulnerable has astonishing power to heal. I would also add that I am becoming more comfortable with no recipes, solutions etc. working for very long. I used to get frustrated by this. I now recognize that this is true transformation occurring. I must also say that strangely I rarely feel vulnerable anymore. Love to you Olga, Keith
By Keith Newcomb on 08/06/2008Hello Olga,
I’ve been thinking about this post for a week. Although there are many things I would like to say, I will concentrate on a question I have about “The master of the House”.
Up to now I only had a very vague feeling of what “The master of the House” meant/would be like. Reading this post where you talked about being aware of our feelings, but not identifying with them, I keep on thinking about an experience I had that really bewildered me.
One evening, as I entered my bedroom (I was still standing in the middle of the room) “my body” started crying and shaking as if I was being overwhelmed by some kind of unbearable sadness or pain. However, in “my head”, I was completely astonished!
“Why am I crying? Am I sad? I don’t feel sad! Why is my body so sad? I can’t control any muscles… what should I do? How can I comfort it? ... “
My conscious train of thoughts was completely detached from any feelings.
... Is that the place of “The Master of the House?” ...
PS: The first post where you said, “No concepts, no recipes, no solutions, no mysteries solved,” actually made me feel really relieved. The world is not a dead mechanical place, but Life is still full of mysteries, and always changing and evolving…
Thank you.
By Magali on 08/12/2008Dear Olga,
First of all: Thank you so much for going public again!
All this time from reading your books when they first came out until today, I was looking for some “sign of life”; internet site, seminar, new book, anything. I really love the way you teach, reaching so many levels at the same time. Your books had such a great impact on my life and understanding of it! Thank you!!
It really surprised me to read in your last post that you caused commotion with “finding nothing”.
After years of searching, of trying on concepts and religions like new cloths and finding that nothing really fits, I was actually very relieved when - after all these years of frustration and the feeling of “being lost” - the thought entered my mind that, in fact, there might indeed be nothing. I felt relieved. Set free. Doesn’t this mean, that, instead of following old concepts of Truth, I can create my own? My very own Truth, my own religion, my unique way of being? Or, rather, now that I am becoming more and more empty inside, being finally able to hear my timeless truth within? Give it space, give it birth? Give it Life?
I also found that letting go of the “one truth fits all"-idea I can too let go of the need (or the addiction) to judge others. No more: who knows more about “The Truth”, what’s right, what’s wrong, what’s good, what’s bad. Now, life is about exploring other people’s truths. No better, no worse. Different. Exciting. Life is a mystery again and not an egg-hunt for “The Truth”.
So, for me, finding “nothing” was the biggest gift of all - so far 
Dear Olga,
In my first post (08/06/2008) one of my statements was that ‘I rarely feel vulnerable anymore’. Since then it has become clear to me that statement is nonsense. I hadn’t realized how much inner pressure I felt to act tough (meaning I can handle anything) even to myself. In truth I have a lot of fear not faced because I don’t believe I can handle it. I find that I am not ready to share those fears with anyone. I have been hiding them from others and some even from myself for a long time. I am very shaken by this realization.
Love Keith
By Keith Newcomb on 09/21/2008Hello again, dear Olga,
I find that with the passing of “time”, new experiences and gathered “knowledge”, I actually know less and less....
By Jay Tamara West on 11/13/2008Olga, can the predators ever be fully cured? Can they ever become completely trustworthy after comitting those unimaginable crimes?
By Susan on 02/02/2009Dear Olga,
I recently found your first book and spend three days reading it every chance that I had ... although I found myself saying “if only I had found this book earlier, how things would have been different!” I knew that I found this book at just the right time in my life. Although I have yet to read your second, I made it my first priority to find a trace of your activities in the world today—and I’m so glad to have found this wonderful space, Cliffhouse, here on the web. I look forward to participating in all your discussions here, and have spent the last few hours reading back issues of your blog. There is a lot to digest here, but I’m very touched by this entry in particular.
I’m 27 and currently beginning my practice of hypnotherapy, after years spent gathering the shards of my soul, pieces held captive by this “spirit of trauma” due to childhood molestation and later, traumatic experiences in the military. Eventually I went AWOL from the military (I was a police officer) and began to piece myself back together. I realized that nothing was possible as long as I retained the hard outter shell of someone who no longer wanted to be vulnerable. This shell had served to protect me at one point, but now I could tell it would be my prison and eventual tomb if I did not begin to change, to transform my suffering.
I soon discovered that to be vulnerable, is to TRULY be invulnerable, but only if I am truly vulnerable—truly allowing and trusting of myself, my evolution, into the hands of the Master, the Spirt Twin, of the Real “I.” The observer.
So much could be said, but I wanted to share two things: one, thank you for your post which seemed to make some others uncomfortable. The truth is always refreshing. Two, I have a poem I wrote which helped me come to terms with this vulnerability, this new way of being for me. I hope our family here at Cliffhouse finds something valuable in it.
All the Best,
Ben
-----
I haven’t got answers, not me,
and the further I look the more questions
I find myself asking - the more that I see
is the less that I know,
and though
I sacrifice
my wish, my aim, my desire to be
something -
I become nothing -
and so I am free to be anything
as I am needed to be.
so how could I think, the egoist I am,
that all this time
it was I that was taking the steps?
when really,
Nature abhors a vacuum
and will fill that space in me,
that longing, that question, that wish,
with the experience that I need
to be
me.
Dear Olga,
I must tell you that I appreciate and value your books immensely.
For a long time I have been trying to deal with my own feelings vulnerability and I appreciate your article. I make the following observations:
Our inner hostility - our inner anger is not always equal to the injustices against us, but is sometimes generated by and equal to our feelings of vulnerability and powerlessness (which may in fact be due to us simply being human or perhaps expecting too much of others.
We may seek to forgive those who injure us but fall short because we blame them not only for the injury but also for our original feelings of inadequacy (which may in fact seem like the greater “crime” against us).
Of course we need to seek acknowledgement for our suffering, (acknowledgement itself has power to heal), but we also need to clarify where our feelings are coming from in order for us to be able to forgive.
Best wishes,
By Anita on 07/28/2009
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